Soooooo . . what’s been going on. Well, technically I’m meant to be in hospital - but I’ve managed to swerve it over the summer in favour of making some wonderful memories that will hopefully get me through hospital when I finally have to go. I went to several wonderful festivals, with the usual wonderful people. And I know I’m very lucky to have been able to do that.
Things are a bit harder as of this week - work has been pretty horrendous, I suppose my mental state has definitely taken a turn for the worst. And a few of my very close, dear friends are off travelling. I’m very happy for everyone, but I must admit I find it hard to accept change. I’m not very good at letting go.
You see, I’m very lucky to be able to function in normal society as long as I have - and this is down to a certain few people in my life who have cared and protected me for so long. The doctors at the hospital said I was very lucky, and they didn’t know anyone who was as lucky as me to have friends NOT family, who look after me. I mean, my friends are my careers. They have no obligation to protect me. No need. No blood ties. And yet they have. Especially this one person.
However, now there is more change to come. Which I am of course very happy about. But for me, any change is hard. And if I can know that and accept it, I might be able to suffer a bit less. I know my eating disorder is probably caught up in control. I could never control my family situation - I was always forced to do things. My family were very Catholic, and very strict. I studied hard, I prayed hard, I did everything I could to please them - and yet nothing was ever that bit good enough. I’d get great grades and then I would forget my pencil case at school and instead of noticing the good grades, my mother would just flip out. Go mad with anger. I would be terrified, but I had to be strong and stand up to her because I needed to look after my sister. It never ended well. And I think the lack of control over so many situations led to my predicament today. And yes, I know - everyone says eating disorders are about control … I know it’s the stereotypical blame. But I think it is true in my case.
And then there was this person that I cared for deeply, who as soon as I got ill shunned me from her life … therefore, making me more ill. I’m used to people walking away because that’s what seems to happen to me. Someone very close to me said something very insightful the other day, anorexia is like a negative energy that preys on you - and can’t help but overspill into others lives as well. It worries me that all this negative energy I harbour, does spill over and affect others.
So, on to the latest event which is really going to be a life lesson for me. The one person I really really do trust, let’s call him my brother because I’d say he’s that and more. He’s my chosen family. Well, I really think he has fallen in love completely. And I am so happy for him. God knows he deserves some positive good energy in his life. The person is the sweetest, genuinely strongest, and bravest person I think I know. She’s had a terrible couple of months and I’m so happy it can conclude for the both of them, in happiness. However, here comes selfish fran, it’s going to be very different for me from now on. Not anyone’s fault, it’s just my own issues that I need to deal with. But I know that these two need to be spending a lot of time together. She’s a lovely person but definitely needs the strength and security of someone like my housemate to help her. And she deserves it as well. This means quite a few changes for me - changes that I need to be able to accept, but really really scare me. And I know they just scare me because I’m being selfish - and I would never be able to tell either of them because it’s such a horrible, disgusting, selfish part of my brain. But I’m scared. I’m really scared because the only reason I’m really still around is because of this person - and I know now that I’m going to have to be more independent. And I really can’t be. I will though, I will learn to be - but it becomes hard because everyone has someone to lean on … and once again it’s just got to be me on my own. And I wonder, it must be me - there is a reason my family don’t want me, there is a reason I always end up back to square one - having to fend for myself. But it’s fine, it’s just a shock to me at the moment - and probably affecting me more because my mental state has deteriorated in the last couple of weeks - and my intake isn’t great. But it’s just really scary when for a while you really rely on someone too much - and then you get to the realisation again.
I really am on my own,
I haven’t felt like this for a couple of years, and I’m sure it’s normal to feel like this - I’m just blowing it out of proportions. But I think it is genuinely just because I am so scared. I’m not safe on my own. And I’m really rubbish in my own company. In my house in London I can’t even sleep in a room alone, I have to sleep in his room. It’s just going to be really hard to get used too. But, it’s fine. Change will always happen - and if I learn to accept it, it will be a lot easier.
I think maybe the reason it is so hard is because this person persuaded me so completely that he would always be there - which he will, I know he will. But not in the way that he used to be. And there is no way he has betrayed me; but I’m just so angry at myself for finally trusting someone as completely again as I did with that girl all these years ago - and now again I’m on my own. It really is too painful too trust people, because he is 110% not doing anything wrong … but I still feel as abandoned as I did by that girl and as I do by my family.
So here’s to getting used to being alone - and not letting my guard down again, because it really is too scary and painful. I haven’t stopped crying once this whole time I’ve written this. I’m just tired of trusting people and then through no fault of that person, things changing so I can no longer rely on them … or changing so I feel like I can’t. So, that’s that. Here goes to slowly separating myself and giving him space, because he definitely needs space from me. Lol, he probably won’t even notice - as with me in general; he’s outgrown me and I need to grow up.
And maybe, I’ve just thought of this - as usual, it’s just back to me and anorexia. That’s one thing I know will never fucking leave. So at least I can know that’s something I can always rely on. Fucking great.